Jenna just needs a bit more time

If you could have one super power, what would it be?

Being home is hard. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that it gets easier because here I am writing this more than a month after departing Cape Town and it hasn't gotten easier. I’m not sure it ever will.

I don’t mean for this to be a depressing last entry and to make it sound like I hate home and am this completely miserable person being back because I’m not. Home just feels very very different then when I left it and I don’t know how to explain it.

I remember looking out the window of the plane as we were descending towards JFK airport and hearing my coeducators whispering around me “whoa we’re officially in the U.S”. I was so sad to leave Cape Town a day earlier but I have to admit that in that moment I was giddy with excitement to see my parents. I was looking forward to hugging my dog until he squirmed for freedom and annoying the hell out of my sisters. It was this excitement that blinded me from realizing that although I was about to say hi to my family, I had to say goodbye to all the amazing people that I shared the most amazing experiences with—the people who I don’t have to struggle to try and explain everything that happened over the past three and a half months. Seeing my parents for the first time went almost exactly how I expected. My mom ran up to me and whispered a muffled “I can’t believe you’re here” through crying eyes which then of course made me tear up and my dad was there with arms open and immediately grabbed my heavy bags from me. “Let’s go home,” I said.

I slept a lot that first week. Jet lag certainly got the best of me, but I kept texting people from the trip so I didn’t feel totally lame for going to bed at 7:00 pm because I realized they were too and I always had someone to talk to when I woke up before the sun had even risen. I didn’t visit UConn which part of me kinda regrets, but in the moment it just wasn’t something I was ready for. It won’t make sense if I try and explain it so I will leave it simply at that. After a week of rest, I was bored of sitting around doing nothing so I called up my boss from a job I’ve had for years and started working exactly a week after the day we landed in the U.S. But the job isn’t the same. And it’s because I’m not the same. I have to deal with customers who complain over the most absurd and insignificant things. They’re growling over missing cheese on their chicken while I’ve just come from a place where I saw people literally starving and begging for just a loaf of bread because they hadn’t eaten in days. And I’m in this environment where everything is rushed and timed and I serve hundreds of people but only mutter certain words like “you’re welcome” or “to your left” or “of course” to them. Worst of all, I find myself hating the person I am while there.

I miss my friends. Of course I was so excited to see all my friends from home. I’ve already shared so many laughs and had some exciting days/nights with a lot of them. It was so nice to come home and hear about what they’ve all been up. But I look through pictures on Facebook from the trip and I realize just how much I miss everyone from it. I miss being just steps away from such great people and although we text and write all over each other’s Facebook walls (which probably annoys all our other friends) I want to see them!!

I still have no idea what to say to people when they ask about my trip. A lot of exchanges go along the lines of, “How was South Africa” and me saying, “It was amazing” and the conversation ending there. People ask about the animals and safaris and ask how skydiving was. But even when some of my friends ask more questions and urge me to tell more about my time abroad, I find myself struggling with what to say. I feel like I’m listing everything I did rather than fully describe everything there and all of my experiences. So if pictures don’t do Cape Town justice and words don’t fall into place how I want them to, how do I share my time in Cape Town?

Morgan, Lauren & Jenna at Kruger National Park

When I was in Cape Town I popped my little small town bubble that I was living in. I did things I am positive I would never have done if I didn’t go abroad and saw even more that opened my eyes. Now that I’m back home, I feel this bubble reforming and I’m not quite sure how to stop it. In Cape Town I woke up every morning, ready for a new adventure. Whether it was a new mountain to hike or a new restaurant to try, we were constantly finding something exciting to do. I got to explore the city, take classes for school, and learn so much and help out in a clinic. There are no Table Mountains back home, I can’t take a cab downtown to a big market, and I’m not exposed to different cultures and different people with the most touching life stories. I have gotten the infamous ‘travel bug’ and all I want to do is explore other places. The world we live in is huge and so much is happening how could you not want to go see what life is like in other places? But I feel the bubble forming and I want to stay out.

If I could have one super power it would be the ability to re-live certain times in my life. I would re-live those three and a half months.

So where do I go from here? How do I change direction and truly settle in back home? For one, I need to find a new job. If I’m no longer the same person as I was, why should I think that a similar summer as last would be alright? People will stop asking about my trip. A couple months or even weeks from now people will have forgotten that I went to Cape Town. But you know what? That’s okay. Because Cape Town will always be a part of me and I will never forget. I will keep my memories tight and I will reminisce them with my Cape Town friends every once in a while. And that will be enough. I won’t let myself get stuck in another bubble. I’ll find something—whether a walk, drive, or flight away—adventurous to do this summer. I’ll find some way to give back to my community and those who need assistance. I’ll stay educated on all things human rights and try to inform others as well. I’ll go visit all my friends from the trip and show them around my little town too. I’ll continue to convince my parents to let me study abroad my senior year. I’ll find something that makes me happy and I’ll find time to be alone and reflect on everything. 

I can’t see myself not returning to Cape Town. But the thing is, I’m never going to be able to recreate the experience that I have had during my three and a half months abroad there. I’m not going to be at the same point in my life, I’m not going to be with the same people at the same time doing to same things we did. And this is why there will always be a place in my heart that misses Cape Town. But that’s okay. And I’m going to be okay. Because I am healthy and am surrounded by friends and family who I love and who love me. Sure, Cape Town was more amazing than I could have ever expected and if I could go back tomorrow I would, but I can find happiness in Connecticut too. Just give me more time.

Morgan (thankfully) can't get Cape Town out of her head

It's officially been a month since I arrived home from Cape Town. In some ways, it seems as if everything is exactly the same as it was before I left. My house feels the same, my town looks the same. Its almost scary how familiar everything is, it almost feels like South Africa was some surreal dream. I did miss my parents when I was away, but seeing them in the airport was not exactly the dramatic reunion I expected. We were all happy to be together again, but it felt like I had just seen them yesterday. They smiled the same way, my mom said "Hey Morgy!!" in the same cheerful tone she always does. Seeing my friends was the same way. It felt like I had never left. It's comforting to know that you can go months without seeing someone, but immediately pick up where you left off when you are back together again. I think this is a sign of a true friend. 

Home seems to be exactly how I left it. Therein lies the problem. Home is the same, I am not. I can't seem to get Cape Town out of my head. I have dreams about Cape Town, and I find myself going through my photographs all the time. When I close my eyes, I can teleport myself to Lions Head or to Kalk Bay for a brief moment. But it doesn't last. The coffee is worse here. The people are less friendly. I'm not as "cool" and foreign as I once seemed. I'm unemployed. Jenna isn't there anymore when I wake up in the morning. No one asks me "Howzit?" or bothers to ask me how I am at all for that matter. I no longer get to work with Sister Castle. I don't walk anywhere anymore. There are no mountains to climb. Cashiers don't want to chit chat. I'm driving on the wrong side of the road. I'm moody. A part of me is missing. 

I'm scared of losing the person I became in South Africa. In South Africa, I barely used my phone and was freed from nagging technology. Now that I'm back home, I already am back to keeping my phone on me at all times and more frequently checking instagram and facebook. I remember always feeling truly happy and at ease in South Africa. Everyday was an adventure and something to be thankful for. I don't want to lose that outlook, but its going to be hard living in a culture that always tells you to go, go, go. 

I haven't been feeling well, so the other day I went to the doctor. For some reason, it was taking longer than usual to be seen. 45 minutes passed and I felt myself growing agitated. What could possibly be taking so long? Then, a feeling a shame washed over me as I remembered what an average day was like at Tafelsig Clinic. If I was a patient there, I would have woken up at 5 in the morning and waited in line for 2 hours for the clinic to open. I would have further waited a few more hours inside to be screened through the triage room, and probably wait at least another hour before seeing a doctor. And yet here I was, complaining about a unusual 1 hour delay, when I didn't have anything else to do that day anyway. I'm scared of getting caught up in the US bubble again and forgetting just how lucky I am. It's easy to get back into old habits, but I'm trying really hard not to.

On the other hand, I feel like certain lessons have been entrenched in me. I find myself thinking more about my future and thinking about what it is I really want out of life. I've noticed that I'm much more willing to share my opinion in conversations, even when I disagree with what others say. Before I would just keep my mouth shut and go along with it, but now I'm not afraid to disagree. I'm more adventurous now. My best friend and I are now planning trips around the country for this summer. I'm way more willing to do things on my own and I can tell I am much more independent now. For the first time I really feel like an adult. 

I cringe at some of the questions people ask me about my trip. "There aren't any black people in South Africa, are there?" "Did you gain weight when you were away?" "What did you eat when you were there?" People don't really want to hear about politics or race. I can see their eyes start to glaze over when I start talking about South Africa's elections or my experience at Tafelsig. Most people just want to hear about skydiving, the safari, and what we did for fun. Don't get me wrong, those are all amazing experiences I'm so grateful for and will never forget. But at the same time there is so much about South Africa that I can't explain to others, or that they just don't want to hear. Most of the time people will ask what my favorite part of the trip was, and I don't know what to say. There's no way to sum up our 3 and a half month experience in one sentence. This question really bothers me and makes me freeze up, like I'm supposed to have this grandiose answer that justifies the entire trip. 

My friends and family will probably never fully understand what my abroad experience meant to me, and thats ok. I can't thank my family enough for supporting me and making it possible for me to go. Going abroad to South Africa has helped me become more sure of myself. I like who I am. I will never forget the amazing people and friendships I made. I check flights every now and then. Sister Castle and I have been emailing back and forth. I have a feeling I won't be able to stay away from Cape Town for too long. 

Morgan (front left) and other Tafelsig interns & sisters (nurses)

Morgan (top right) with other Tafelsig interns and the
Fire Fighters U13 Soccer Club

Cassie's first month back

Cassie (with Mel in background)

After we landed back in the states I took the next couple of days easy. My first night back I had some of my closest family members over for dinner which I later realized I should have given myself a few days but it was still really nice to see them. The first couple days I took really easy. I kept myself busy but nothing that would have tired me out. And after 6 days in Connecticut I was on my way to the little Island I call home to start work again. Everyone on the island was so excited to hear about my trip. All the locals still constantly have a new question to ask me every day. The days at work rolled into one another and before you know it I was sitting in my cap and gown waiting to get my diploma cover, since the diploma makes it in the mail a few months later. And with the switch of a yellow tassel I was officially UConn alumni.  Some have wondered why I would study abroad my last semester of college, I think people are crazy not to see why not, and if I had to do it all again I would. Without a doubt this semester has been the most rewarding, most fun, crazy, best college experience I could have ever asked for.

After graduation I was on the hunt for apartments for my first semester of grad school, which ended up being way more stressful than it needed to be! But the pieces are finally coming together. I’m actually getting really excited to start something new even though I anticipate school being a lot of work.

I had a graduation party with almost all of my family there. It was so great to see all 40+ of them! I also got to catch up with my cousin who had just gotten back from his military duties when we were about to leave for South Africa so that was really nice to catch up with him.

Between work and seeing my family I have had to talk about my trip a lot. People who only want to hear just the surface things like, “oh yeah it was so fun and beautiful” have been the easy ones. Most people who ask questions that require a more personal answer don’t actually want to hear what I have to say. And it has gotten pretty frustrating at times. I have spoken with a few people who really were interested and so open to hear what I had to say and they were actually about to carry on an accurate conversation about topics like race and poverty. Those conversations were a relief to me. It’s more difficult to find people that understand more than their little bubble they live in here in the states. Although I can’t blame those who don’t know too much since I used to stand in similar shoes. And I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, and hopefully I will continue and find my own way to make a difference in this world. I haven’t quite figured out how I’ll do that but I know there must be something that I can put this energy towards.  For now I’ll carry on doing what I can until I find a true passion where I can really help.

Johnny on being back

Johnnyat God's Window, Mpumalanga, South Africa

It’s been a little over a month since we’ve all gotten home. I’ve been waiting to write this blog because the first week or two consists of constant changes in your everyday routine. In Cape Town, I was walking from house to house as if my life depended on it. You could bet every single day in the early afternoon that I would be walking past the Fat Cactus over the bridge and down to the other student house. Wait about 2-3 hours and sure enough there I would be again walking straight back past that restaurant and through the commons to the place I called home for 3 ½ months. I can only imagine those residents that lived in apartments along Durban road must’ve loved seeing me constantly walking back and forth with frequent regularity. There were three facts of life for those residents every morning: the sun will rise, the sun will set, and Johnny Kerins will stroll past our apartment complex at least 3-4 times a day. Now, if I am getting asked to do chores or drive a sibling somewhere, I don’t have that walk of solitude that: 1. could get me out of those situations and B. allowed me to truly be alone.

Secondly, the same old jokes that I used to laugh tirelessly at before I embarked for South Africa seem to be less and less funny now. When a couple friends and I are joking around and I say something like “cool drinks” or “is it?” those chuckles that I could 100% count on in Cape Town now go right over people’s heads quicker than I could’ve imagined. Telling stories that only those of us on the trip could connect to and truly understand has also been a struggle. I guess that kind of preserves the mystery that was our trip.

All jokes aside though, we are back in our real lives. Not to say that Cape Town didn’t count as “real life” but this is where we are now. These are our lives for the time being. Instead of talking about how bad home is compared to Rondesbosch and Mowbray, I think it is definitely more productive to take what we learned abroad and apply it to our lives here. Although there may not be as much to do here, a good attitude can really make this summer one to remember.