If you could have one
super power, what would it be?
Being home is hard. I’m
not going to sugar coat it and say that it gets easier because here I am
writing this more than a month after departing Cape Town and it hasn't gotten
easier. I’m not sure it ever will.
I don’t mean for this to
be a depressing last entry and to make it sound like I hate home and am this
completely miserable person being back because I’m not. Home just feels very
very different then when I left it and I don’t know how to explain it.
I remember looking out
the window of the plane as we were descending towards JFK airport and hearing
my coeducators whispering around me “whoa we’re officially in the U.S”. I was
so sad to leave Cape Town a day earlier but I have to admit that in that moment
I was giddy with excitement to see my parents. I was looking forward to hugging
my dog until he squirmed for freedom and annoying the hell out of my sisters.
It was this excitement that blinded me from realizing that although I was about
to say hi to my family, I had to say goodbye to all the amazing people that I
shared the most amazing experiences with—the people who I don’t have to
struggle to try and explain everything that happened over the past three and a
half months. Seeing my parents for the first time went almost exactly how I
expected. My mom ran up to me and whispered a muffled “I can’t believe you’re
here” through crying eyes which then of course made me tear up and my dad was
there with arms open and immediately grabbed my heavy bags from me. “Let’s go
home,” I said.
I slept a lot that first
week. Jet lag certainly got the best of me, but I kept texting people from the
trip so I didn’t feel totally lame for going to bed at 7:00 pm because I
realized they were too and I always had someone to talk to when I woke up
before the sun had even risen. I didn’t visit UConn which part of me kinda
regrets, but in the moment it just wasn’t something I was ready for. It won’t
make sense if I try and explain it so I will leave it simply at that. After a
week of rest, I was bored of sitting around doing nothing so I called up my
boss from a job I’ve had for years and started working exactly a week after the
day we landed in the U.S. But the job isn’t the same. And it’s because I’m not
the same. I have to deal with customers who complain over the most absurd and
insignificant things. They’re growling over missing cheese on their chicken
while I’ve just come from a place where I saw people literally starving and
begging for just a loaf of bread because they hadn’t eaten in days. And I’m in
this environment where everything is rushed and timed and I serve hundreds of
people but only mutter certain words like “you’re welcome” or “to your left” or
“of course” to them. Worst of all, I find myself hating the person I am while
there.
I miss my friends. Of
course I was so excited to see all my friends from home. I’ve already shared so
many laughs and had some exciting days/nights with a lot of them. It was so
nice to come home and hear about what they’ve all been up. But I look through
pictures on Facebook from the trip and I realize just how much I miss everyone
from it. I miss being just steps away from such great people and although we
text and write all over each other’s Facebook walls (which probably annoys all
our other friends) I want to see them!!
I still have no idea
what to say to people when they ask about my trip. A lot of exchanges go along
the lines of, “How was South Africa” and me saying, “It was amazing” and the
conversation ending there. People ask about the animals and safaris and ask how
skydiving was. But even when some of my friends ask more questions and urge me
to tell more about my time abroad, I find myself struggling with what to say. I
feel like I’m listing everything I did rather than fully describe everything
there and all of my experiences. So if pictures don’t do Cape Town justice and
words don’t fall into place how I want them to, how do I share my time in Cape
Town?
 |
| Morgan, Lauren & Jenna at Kruger National Park |
When I was in Cape Town
I popped my little small town bubble that I was living in. I did things I am
positive I would never have done if I didn’t go abroad and saw even more that
opened my eyes. Now that I’m back home, I feel this bubble reforming and I’m not
quite sure how to stop it. In Cape Town I woke up every morning, ready for a
new adventure. Whether it was a new mountain to hike or a new restaurant to
try, we were constantly finding something exciting to do. I got to explore the
city, take classes for school, and learn so much and help out in a clinic.
There are no Table Mountains back home, I can’t take a cab downtown to a big
market, and I’m not exposed to different cultures and different people with the
most touching life stories. I have gotten the infamous ‘travel bug’ and all I
want to do is explore other places. The world we live in is huge and so much is
happening how could you not want to go see what life is like in other places?
But I feel the bubble forming and I want to stay out.
If I could have one
super power it would be the ability to re-live certain times in my life. I
would re-live those three and a half months.
So where do I go from
here? How do I change direction and truly settle in back home? For one, I need
to find a new job. If I’m no longer the same person as I was, why should I
think that a similar summer as last would be alright? People will stop asking about
my trip. A couple months or even weeks from now people will have forgotten that
I went to Cape Town. But you know what? That’s okay. Because Cape Town will
always be a part of me and I will never forget. I will keep my memories tight
and I will reminisce them with my Cape Town friends every once in a while. And
that will be enough. I won’t let myself get stuck in another bubble. I’ll find
something—whether a walk, drive, or flight away—adventurous to do this summer.
I’ll find some way to give back to my community and those who need assistance.
I’ll stay educated on all things human rights and try to inform others as well.
I’ll go visit all my friends from the trip and show them around my little town
too. I’ll continue to convince my parents to let me study abroad my senior
year. I’ll find something that makes me happy and I’ll find time to be alone
and reflect on everything.
I can’t see myself not
returning to Cape Town. But the thing is, I’m never going to be able to
recreate the experience that I have had during my three and a half months
abroad there. I’m not going to be at the same point in my life, I’m not going
to be with the same people at the same time doing to same things we did. And
this is why there will always be a place in my heart that misses Cape Town. But
that’s okay. And I’m going to be okay. Because I am healthy and am surrounded
by friends and family who I love and who love me. Sure, Cape Town was more
amazing than I could have ever expected and if I could go back tomorrow I
would, but I can find happiness in Connecticut too. Just give me more time.
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