Morgan (thankfully) can't get Cape Town out of her head

It's officially been a month since I arrived home from Cape Town. In some ways, it seems as if everything is exactly the same as it was before I left. My house feels the same, my town looks the same. Its almost scary how familiar everything is, it almost feels like South Africa was some surreal dream. I did miss my parents when I was away, but seeing them in the airport was not exactly the dramatic reunion I expected. We were all happy to be together again, but it felt like I had just seen them yesterday. They smiled the same way, my mom said "Hey Morgy!!" in the same cheerful tone she always does. Seeing my friends was the same way. It felt like I had never left. It's comforting to know that you can go months without seeing someone, but immediately pick up where you left off when you are back together again. I think this is a sign of a true friend. 

Home seems to be exactly how I left it. Therein lies the problem. Home is the same, I am not. I can't seem to get Cape Town out of my head. I have dreams about Cape Town, and I find myself going through my photographs all the time. When I close my eyes, I can teleport myself to Lions Head or to Kalk Bay for a brief moment. But it doesn't last. The coffee is worse here. The people are less friendly. I'm not as "cool" and foreign as I once seemed. I'm unemployed. Jenna isn't there anymore when I wake up in the morning. No one asks me "Howzit?" or bothers to ask me how I am at all for that matter. I no longer get to work with Sister Castle. I don't walk anywhere anymore. There are no mountains to climb. Cashiers don't want to chit chat. I'm driving on the wrong side of the road. I'm moody. A part of me is missing. 

I'm scared of losing the person I became in South Africa. In South Africa, I barely used my phone and was freed from nagging technology. Now that I'm back home, I already am back to keeping my phone on me at all times and more frequently checking instagram and facebook. I remember always feeling truly happy and at ease in South Africa. Everyday was an adventure and something to be thankful for. I don't want to lose that outlook, but its going to be hard living in a culture that always tells you to go, go, go. 

I haven't been feeling well, so the other day I went to the doctor. For some reason, it was taking longer than usual to be seen. 45 minutes passed and I felt myself growing agitated. What could possibly be taking so long? Then, a feeling a shame washed over me as I remembered what an average day was like at Tafelsig Clinic. If I was a patient there, I would have woken up at 5 in the morning and waited in line for 2 hours for the clinic to open. I would have further waited a few more hours inside to be screened through the triage room, and probably wait at least another hour before seeing a doctor. And yet here I was, complaining about a unusual 1 hour delay, when I didn't have anything else to do that day anyway. I'm scared of getting caught up in the US bubble again and forgetting just how lucky I am. It's easy to get back into old habits, but I'm trying really hard not to.

On the other hand, I feel like certain lessons have been entrenched in me. I find myself thinking more about my future and thinking about what it is I really want out of life. I've noticed that I'm much more willing to share my opinion in conversations, even when I disagree with what others say. Before I would just keep my mouth shut and go along with it, but now I'm not afraid to disagree. I'm more adventurous now. My best friend and I are now planning trips around the country for this summer. I'm way more willing to do things on my own and I can tell I am much more independent now. For the first time I really feel like an adult. 

I cringe at some of the questions people ask me about my trip. "There aren't any black people in South Africa, are there?" "Did you gain weight when you were away?" "What did you eat when you were there?" People don't really want to hear about politics or race. I can see their eyes start to glaze over when I start talking about South Africa's elections or my experience at Tafelsig. Most people just want to hear about skydiving, the safari, and what we did for fun. Don't get me wrong, those are all amazing experiences I'm so grateful for and will never forget. But at the same time there is so much about South Africa that I can't explain to others, or that they just don't want to hear. Most of the time people will ask what my favorite part of the trip was, and I don't know what to say. There's no way to sum up our 3 and a half month experience in one sentence. This question really bothers me and makes me freeze up, like I'm supposed to have this grandiose answer that justifies the entire trip. 

My friends and family will probably never fully understand what my abroad experience meant to me, and thats ok. I can't thank my family enough for supporting me and making it possible for me to go. Going abroad to South Africa has helped me become more sure of myself. I like who I am. I will never forget the amazing people and friendships I made. I check flights every now and then. Sister Castle and I have been emailing back and forth. I have a feeling I won't be able to stay away from Cape Town for too long. 

Morgan (front left) and other Tafelsig interns & sisters (nurses)

Morgan (top right) with other Tafelsig interns and the
Fire Fighters U13 Soccer Club